SpongeBob SquarePants featuring Nicktoons: Globs of Doom
(After the intro, we cut to the G-man at his desk in his room. He’s wearing a vampire costume instead of his normal clothing) G-man (In stereotypical vampire accent): Hello, everyone! I am Count G-man, and that’s all you need to know about that. (He laughs like the Count from Sesame Street before he drops the impression) Actually, I’m not going to do that voice for the entire review. But as you can clearly tell, I’m super excited for Halloween! What I’m not excited for, however, is today’s review. The concept isn’t scary, but its terribleness is. On the menu for today is Nicktoons: Globs of Doom for the PlayStation 2! (The main theme starts as clips of the game begin to play) G-man (V.O): If you were a Nickelodeon kid, you probably remember shows like Jimmy Neutron, Invader ZIM, SpongeBob SquarePants even though that show is terrible nowadays, and loads more. They were called Nicktoons, and they were awesome! Naturally, there were games based on these shows. One of them being called Globs of Doom. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: But let’s look at the box. (He holds the game case up) The main color on here is green, so that means the slime is green, right? Well, take a look at this scene. (Cut to a clip from the opening cutscene. Squidward gets covered in a strange, orange substance. Cut back to the G-man) Yeah, it’s orange! And it’s not even called slime! It’s called goo! So you know it’s bad when the box art lies to you! (He sets the game case back down) Well, since I have nothing better to do, this is Nicktoons: Globs of Doom! (Cut to the title screen) G-man (V.O): Oh, I’m sorry. The real title is SpongeBob SquarePants featuring Nicktoons: Globs of Doom. That’s the longest game title I’ve ever read! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: That’s almost as long as (Cut to the mock box art for…) Minecraft and Roblox at the Olympic Games featuring Fortnite. (Cut back to the G-man) It’s very obscure. (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): We open with SpongeBob and Squidward on their way to work when the latter gets covered in orange goo. Turning him into some kind of goo monster. Patrick: SpongeBob. What’s happening? What is this stuff? SpongeBob: I dunno Patrick. But what ever you do, don’t let it touch you!’ Patrick: I’m trying not to. Why? SpongeBob (Gestures towards Squidward): That’s why. Patrick: What are we going to do? (Jimmy Neutron appears out of a portal) SpongeBob: Jimmy Neutron! Jimmy: Quick! Through the portal! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Hold up! It’s been established many times that SpongeBob takes place underwater. So how can Jimmy breathe? Let alone talk? I get that he might have some kind of device that lets him do that, but what about the other characters? (Cut back to the game) G-man: We then head to somewhere called the Mowgu Lair where Jimmy explains that everyone’s under attack by the goo. The villains from the shows are also here, but for some reason, they’re called the Evil Syndicate. They’re made up of Plankton, Technus, Beautiful Gorgeous, and Traloc. Jimmy: Okay, let’s be civil. I invited the Evil Syndicate here for a reason. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Oh, I’m gonna get a good laugh out of this! (Cut back to the game) Technus: All our homes are threatened. The only way to defeat this enemy is to join forces. Jimmy: We’ve all got to work together on this one. (Cut back to the G-man laughing) G-man (After laughing a bit): Wait, that’s actually not a bad plan. I mean, it’s not a good plan, but it’s a plan nonetheless. But let’s think about this for a second. Would this plan actually work in real life? (Cut to a sketch with the G-man as an army general) G-man: Alright, privates. In order to stop this alien invasion, we’ve enlisted the help of the most badass warrior in history. (Cut to clip from 300) Leonidas: This. Is. Sparta! (Cut back to General G-man) G-man: Yeah, we’ve got ‘em now! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): ZIM and Dib from Invader ZIM are also helping, and this is where one of the main issues come into play. SpongeBob: You’re joining our side? ZIM: I am a superior life form from the planet IRK. I’m not evil, just, um curious. Plankton: You’re joining our side? Dib: I fight aliens. If ZIM’s over there, then I’m over here. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: And you know what’s weird? ZIM’s a hero, and Dib’s considered a part of the Evil Syndicate in this game! If you watched the actual show, it’s exactly the opposite! ZIM’s trying to take over Earth while Dib’s trying to stop him! And since I haven’t used this joke in a while, Survey says: (The word "BULLSHIT!" in all capital letters pops up for a brief moment as a buzzer sound is heard. Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): There’s also this weird crab thing that looks like it’s cosplaying as Master Roshi from Dragon Ball. We also learn that these goo creatures are called Morphoids. And also, there’s this thing called… Mowgu Technology? I don’t know, I’ll let him explain it. Jimmy: Mowgu Technology. It’s old, but if I can get the sequence right, I think I can adapt it to help fight the Morphoids. (Cut to a bit later in the game. SpongeBob gets equipped with a strange-looking gun) SpongeBob: A Bubble Blow Wand. I’m ready! Nostalgia Critic (V.O): Fucking bubbles! (Cut back to the G-man looking around confusedly) G-man: What was that? (He shrugs) Whatever. Anyways… (Cut back to the game) Jimmy: Impressive! It scans your molecular make up to create a custom weapon embedded with Mowgu Technology. Beautiful Gorgeous: A personality scan? With weapons to match? I’m next! Alright, hit it, hair boy. (She gets equipped with…) A megaphone? I get a megaphone? What do you think I look like? A cheerleader?! G-man (V.O): Wow, that’s embarrassing! You’re all pumped to fight an unknown threat, and you get a shitty weapon. She gets used to it later on, but would anyone let it go if this actually happened? (Cut to another sketch with the G-man, Pinkie Pie, Pivot, and Tattletail around a table) G-man: Alright, here’s what you’ll be armed with; I’ll have my Lego gun and the Rift Blade, Pinkie, you get your party canon… Pinkie: Okie dokie lokie! G-man: Pivot, your stick sword… Pivot: ‘Kay. G-man: And Tattletail, you get… (He shrugs as he holds up…) This box of fries I got at McDonald’s. Tattletail: Die, bitch! (Tattletail lunges at the G-man’s face. The latter of which screaming. Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): Our first stop is Bikini Bottom. But before that, we go through the tutorial level where we get a look at the controls. X is jump, square after jumping is your ground pound attack, triangle is to activate things like levers, and square is your normal attack. However, it just swings the weapon. Want to know how to use it? Circle? No, it R1! (Cut back to the G-man holding up a PlayStation controller) G-man: Why R1? The circle button is right there! In fact, I’m not sure if the circle button is used at all! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): Before we get to Bikini Bottom, we head down some kind of slide on a makeshift surfboard made from half of a clamshell. (There’s a moment of silence before the G-man speaks again) I’m serious. When we get there, we find out that Bubble Bass has turned into a Morphoid and is heading for the Krusty Krab. Oh, and this quote end-quote "Sticky goo"? Fuck it! You can’t jump or move quickly when you’re in it, and half of them are too big to jump over! So your only option is go through it as slowly as possible. Also, sometimes when you attack, the characters say the most random things. Like… SpongeBob: Taste my dirty bubble! (Cut back to the G-man looking disturbed) G-man: Uh… Next joke. (Cut back to the game) G-man: There’s also this giant Morphoid rampaging through the town like its Godzilla or Cloverfield. Do we get to fight it? No. In fact, it doesn’t acknowledge you! What’s the point? Anyway, we go down into the sewers. (Sarcastically) Because every great game needs a sewer level! (In normal tone) And we somehow emerge at the Chum Bucket where SpongeBob’s pet snail, Gary is. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: I literally have no clue why he’s here. He doesn’t play any sort of role, he’s just there! That’s like if someone fell through the ceiling into my- (The G-man’s brother falls through the ceiling. Screaming as he does so. He G-man looks back in shock) Who are you?! Brother: A very short cameo. G-man: …Cool. (He turns his attention back to the camera) Anyway… (Cut back to the game. The crab almost steps on Plankton) Plankton: You blasted Crustacean. Watch where you’re walking! Crab: Sorry, little one. You’re so small, I hardly saw you. Plankton: Little one!? Outta my way! You will bow to Plankton! Eventually. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man (Sarcastically): Aaah! I’m so terrified of a monster that’s the size of a sprinkle! (Cut back to the game. Plankton gets equipped with…) Plankton: A hammer? I don’t want a hammer! Jimmy: Don’t be so one-eyed about it. (The text "Really?" pops up for a brief moment) The Mowgu enhancement means that you’ve got something you always wanted. Plankton: But this isn’t the Krabby Patty secret recipe! Jimmy: No, size! (Plankton grows to the same height as the other characters. Cut to a clip from Ghostbusters) Egon: That’s a big Twinkie. (Cut back to the game. Dib gets equipped with…) BG: Hah. A Balloon Launcher! After you save the universe, you can make a living doing kids’ birthday parties. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man (In normal tone): Oh, snap! You just got roasted! (A giant roast falls on top of the G-man. After a while, he speaks) Ow. (Cut back to the game. ZIM gets equipped with…) Technus: A plunger? ZIM: Not just any plunger. This is the Plunger of Doom! G-man (V.O): You know, I can’t help but wonder if the voice actor of ZIM was upset about his character’s weapon. (Cut back to the G-man reading a piece of paper) G-man (As ZIM): This is the Plunger of Doom! (Under his breath in normal voice) God, what were you assholes smoking? (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O in normal tone): After another slide minigame, we head right back into Bikini Bottom where we spawn some kind of junkyard. And after going through some tube, we end up in Rock Bottom where a bus picks us up. (The bus goes up the rock wall at an impossible angle) Okay, what? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Stop fucking around with my brain, game! It’s already melted from Baldi’s Basics! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): We then enter the theater where- (Cut to the bathroom of said theater. Squidward is stuck in goo) Okay, why is Squidward back to normal? When we last saw him, he was a Morphoid. Unless Squilliam took his clothes, I don’t see a plausible reason as to why he’s normal again. Anyway, our next stop is the Krusty Krab where we fight our first boss; Morphoid Bubble Bass. To defeat him, we don’t hit him, we feed him Krabby Patties. After we beat him, he vomits up goo onto SpongeBob, but somehow, he doesn’t turn. Jimmy: It has to be your sponge-like characteristics that somehow make you immune to the goo’s mutating effects. SpongeBob: Yeah. Now I know how pancake feels under all the syrup. (A laugh track and the Seinfeld outro are heard before we fade to black, and then back to the game) G-man (V.O): The crab-thing built some sort of fighting robot called the Vessel of Portentia, but it’s missing four parts. Y’know, I have a ton of questions, but since that’ll take up most of this review, I’ll let it slide for now. Anyway, we head to ZIM’s town, and yes, I checked, it really doesn’t have a name. Here, GIR has our first part; a taco. (GIR gets covered in goo that turns him into a Morphoid) Wow. Fail. Dib: You know, I’ve always wanted to say this: Attack! (Cut back to the G-man pulling out his Lego gun) G-man: Then attack I shall! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): And another thing, if you press a button and then do a specific combination of shape buttons, you’ll do some kind of team attack. And the Morphoids literally turn into hearts. You’re killing them with the power of love! And when that doesn’t work, resort to violence! That’s the way to teach kids! (The hashtag "#ObviousSarcasm" pops up for a brief moment) Anyway, we head down into the sewers again because why not? (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Okay, before we go any further, there’s one thing I’d like to get off my chest; Why does every game have to have sewer level?! It’s annoying, repetitive, and I doubt it smells good! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): After some more bullshit, we actually get to a mini-boss in the form of one of the giant Morphoids. To beat it, you attack the legs, then the head. Do this three times, and it’s defeated. In the next level, we go through more of this strange town and across a goo river. (A blue, bull-like Morphoid attacks the characters. Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Well, it’s a good thing to know Edwardo got some work after Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends ended. (A rimshot is heard before we cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): After that level’s done, it’s onto the boss: Morphoid GIR. (GIR is attached to a wall with tentacles protruding from him. Cut back to the G-man looking horrified) G-man: Jesus Christ! The Monster House game called, they want to have its missing boss back! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): After defeating GIR, SpongeBob gets covered in more goo. Yep, it’s a running gag. SpongeBob: We’ve got it! The first piece of the Vessel of… (His eyes roll around as he speaks in a deep voice. Presumably from the main antagonist) …But it will not be enough to stop me from smothering your insignificant planet! ZIM: Hey! You will not imitate me! Jimmy: His absorption with the goo is creating a wave link with whoever is controlling the Morphoids! It’s speaking through him! G-man (V.O): Wait, so the goo is using SpongeBob to talk to the heroes? Then why doesn’t it just reveal its plans? I get that its adding suspense, but if that’s the case, its adding too damn much! Anyway, our next stop is Amity Park, where- HOLD UP! (A record scratch is heard before we cut back to the G-man) G-man: Amity Park? Not Amityville, Amity Park! That’s just begging for copyright infringement! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): When we get there, Ghost Dog gets turned into a Morphoid. It just so happens that he has the next piece of the Vessel of Portentia. BG: It’ll take more than a squeaky toy to fix this, Danny. The Morphoids control him now. ZIM: A squeaky toy will do you no good. You need the Plunger of Doom! After him! BG: Aw. You’re so brave and cute for such a green guy. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Does Beautiful Gorgeous seriously have the hots for ZIM? (His eyes widen as he realized what he just said) I don’t ship it! I swear! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): On the search for Morphoid Snoopy, we eventually fight supped-up versions of Morphoids with armor on. They’re harder to beat, and it’s more frustrating when they block your attacks. You can also buy upgrades back at the Mowgu Lair, and how could I forget it? The game reminds me every time I clear a level! It’s annoying and repetitive! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: It’s like those stupid pop-ups that distract you from- (A fake pop-up window saying "YOU’VE WON!" in all capital letters pops up over the G-man’s face. He moves it away from his face) Yeah, like that! (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): In the next level, we’re on the rooftops. Because who doesn’t like testing the fear of heights? And after a while, we destroy a wire tower. Man, I’d hate to be someone living in the building it’s attached to! (Cut back to the G-man in a football jersey acting as an excited football fan) G-man: C’mon, team! Just a few more-! The screen suddenly goes black. Indicating the power went out) MOTHERFU-! (He gets cut off as we cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): After defeating Morphoid Ghost Dog… (Time suddenly freezes, but SpongeBob keeps moving) SpongeBob: I’m no shaman, but I can guess what’s gonna happen next. (Time resumes as he gets covered in goo. Cut back to the G-man looking confused) G-man: Did SpongeBob just freeze time? Or is he suddenly faster than Sonic the Hedgehog and the Flash combined? (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): When we get back to the Mowgu Lair, we learn the Morphoid Ruler’s name through SpongeBob. SpongeBob (Speaking as the Morphoid Ruler) Little yellow one. You are soft and squishy and highly absorbent. I am Globulous Maximus, ruler of the Morphoids. I speak through you… G-man (V.O): And if that wasn’t enough, get a load of this: SpongeBob (In normal voice): I saw evil… And his name is Globulous Maximus. Older than time itself. A giant ball of goo. It absorbs everything in its path and it’s headed our way. It is doom, but I sense too, that it is gloom. It is Evil. It is doomy, and gloomy… And evil. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Okay, I have tons of questions: First of all, THAT’S its name? Globulous Maximus? That’s so fucking stupid! Also, older than time itself? Isn’t that a little outdated? Last, and certainty not least, we already saw what it looked like! (Cut to a loading screen with the faint sight of Globulous in the background) Yeah, that! (Cut back to the G-man) So if we already know what it looks like, why is it building it up like we don’t know? (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): Next up is Retroville, where… Jimmy: My girl-eating plant! It’s grown to the size of a building! G-man (V.O): Y’know, I can’t help but wonder if Jimmy was stoned off his ass when he made this thing. (Cut back to the G-man looking to his right before he notices the camera) G-man: Oh, I don’t have a sketch. I was just thinking. (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): After we escape the park, we go through the neighborhood and eventually fight the girl-eating plant. How do we do it? We literally dress up as women to make it eat us and fight it from the inside! I’m serious! You can’t make this shit up! (Cut to later in the game. SpongeBob nearly gets covered in goo) SpongeBob: Phew! Glad it missed me that time. (He gets covered in it anyway. Cut back to the G-man banging his head on his desk briefly before we cut back to the game) SpongeBob: He’s here! He’s here! The evil one. Globulous Maximus is here! Fish paste, are we doomed! (Cut back to the G-man looking confused) G-man: And the winner for the most random kids’ show curse word is… (A trophy pops up reading…) Fish paste! What the hell? (Cut back to the game) Patrick: SpongeBob’s right! Here comes the jelly and we’re the toast… Jimmy: Not quite. By my calculations, we have just enough time to get to Pupununu and find the last piece! (Cut back to the G-man laughing a bit) G-man: I’m sorry, what was that name? (Cut back to the game) Jimmy: By my calculations, we have just enough time to get to Pupununu and find the last piece! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Pupununu? (He chuckles a bit) Okay, I’ve never seen Tak and the Power of Juju, but I’m still laughing at that name! I mean, that’s almost as silly as (Cut to the welcome sign for the town of…) Middelfart! (Cut back to the G-man) It’s real! Google it! (Cut back to the game) Plankton (To Traloc): What? You live here? Traloc: It beats living in a bucket. Tak: Come on. We’ve got to find Jibolbo. Technus: Jib-who-what? Tak: My mentor. He may know where the piece is hidden. SpongeBob: May the Juju be with you! (Cut back to the G-man facepalming) G-man: What was the point of that line? (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): After going through some temple with puzzles, again, haven’t watched the show, feel free to tell me if it has a name, we earn the last piece of the Vessel of Portentia. SpongeBob (As Globulous): Square yellow creature of happiness. You are unlike anyone I have met before… Dib: How true. SpongeBob (As Globulous): …I have grown tired of my gooey life. And for the first moment since the beginning of time, I, Globulous Maximus, choose to become something else. Someone else, actually. I chose to become you! (Cut back to the G-man slowly mouthing the words "What the fuck?" briefly before we cut back to the game) SpongeBob (As Globulous): Yes, you! You are good. You are happy. You are wholesome, like homemade bread. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: I’m sorry, did I hear that right? The villain, who is old as time and devoured everything in its path, wants to be SpongeBob SquarePants? Hold on… (He pulls out his phone and dials an anonymous number. A man’s voice can be heard from the other line) Voice: This is the game. G-man: HELLO?! (Cut back to the game) SpongeBob: No! No! No! There’s already enough of me! Jimmy, have we got all the missing pieces? Jimmy: Affirmative. Vessel of Portentia is fully operational! SpongeBob: Then it’s time to chew bubble gum and blow! Danny: And we’re all outa bubble gun! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: And now they’re referencing Duke Nukem? Does this game have no shame? (Cut back to the game) G-man (V.O): And now it’s time to battle Globulous! After a repetitive boss fight, the villains realize, oh yeah! We’re fucking villains! So they kick the heroes out and steal the Vessel. Globulous: I don’t want to be used for evil! SpongeBob: Is it just me, or does anyone else feel sorry for the big fella? Jimmy: Well, he did attempt to take over the places we call home. (The hashtag "#GoodPoint" pops up for a brief moment) Globulous: Before I go, I want you to know something, something important. I was created along with the beginning of the universe… Jimmy: You mean, during the Big Bang? Globulous: No, during the Big Sneeze. (Cut to a person made of stars sneezing out Globulous, then back to the G-man) G-man: Now, here’s when the game literally gives up. I’m serious, they just strapped this shit together in a short amount of time, and they went with it. Roll it! (Cut back to the game) SpongeBob: You mean, you’re not evil then? You’re a giant booger? Tak: Then why are you trying to take over our worlds? Globulous: Well, how would you feel if you were born a booger? You’d be upset, too! SpongeBob: No. I’d be proud! Embrace your gooiness! It’s what you are. Or is it who you are? Well, I’m not quite sure. But it’s snot bad… (He laughs a bit) Globulous: You’re right, SpongeBob. I want to change my ways. But what’s the point? Time, the very thing that created me, is slipping away. SpongeBob: Not if I can help it! (The heroes begin throwing Krabby Patties into Globulous’ mouth. The text "Reminder: This is actually happening!" pops up for a brief moment) G-man (V.O): Globulous turns into some sort of SpongeBob Morphoid and is now referred to as SpongeGlob, don’t ask, and after fighting the Vessel controlled by the villains, we leave them in space and head home. And we end with this bullshit that gets on my nerves: Jimmy: If he was born a giant booger, that means something with a nose that big created him. And think how big you’d have to be have that big a nose! G-man (V.O): By god! It’d be enormous! It’d be godlike! It’d be-! (A record scratch is heard as we cut back to the G-man) G-man: Not referred to in anything ever again. I’m serious! They set all this up for a sequel, and it was never made! It was the only game with the Morphoids! Well, unless you count this: (He holds up Globs of Doom for the Nintendo DS) Yep! This game was also released on the Nintendo DS! And would you believe it’s a different plot with a different ending? Well, it is! (He slams the game case down before we cut to a montage of clips of gameplay) G-man (V.O): And that was SpongeBob SquarePants featuring Nicktoons: Globs of Doom. Honestly, I think I was better off knowing this game never existed. If you want to make a crossover game with Nickelodeon characters, that’s fine! Just make sure you put actual effort unlike these morons! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Speaking of which, who DID make this game? (He picks up the game case again and takes a closer look at it) THQ? (He sets it back down) Well, that explains it. Well, I am the G-man, and that’s all you need to know about that! Peace! Category:Episode